Depression symptoms understood through personal experience

by NICOLE TRUGILLO/Editor-in-Chief

Depression isn’t an easy topic to discuss.

Before you read this, I want people to know that I haven’t been diagnosed with depression. But I have been depressed, and it’s not a great feeling.

I’m not a young adult who thinks life sucks. I’m a cheerful person most of the time, and it takes a lot to trigger the depression. I don’t take medication. I didn’t go to the doctor, and I didn’t self-diagnose myself. I know how I felt, and I felt empty inside.

My depression was triggered by many things that were going on in my life. My first setback was when, Ralph, my fiancé, left for three months to join the Marines. I’m not complaining, because the time we spent apart made me feel independent. I got over it quickly with the help of my friends and family. That wasn’t the worse case of it.

My depression became worse when Ralph and I were going to get married. But things didn’t work out that way. Long story short, we couldn’t get married, and that was a bad time for me. Since I didn’t have medication and my parents don’t believe in going to the doctor, I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I would stay in my room all day and go to school. I got over it a couple weeks later because my family and friends helped me, and, of course, Ralph did as well.

What really made me sink into my depression was when Ralph and I were going to get married the second time and we couldn’t. That’s when I lost it. I felt betrayed. I cried day and night. I didn’t eat; I didn’t sleep. I didn’t talk to anyone. I lay in bed all day and had no motivation to do anything. I had thoughts running through my head, and they weren’t pleasant either. I wondered why the bad things always happened to me. I felt like I was the only one in the world, and no one could understand me.

nicole depression

When I tried explaining it to my family, they didn’t understand. They tried, but I know they didn’t. Some of my friends told me to get over it. How would that make you feel? It wasn’t just the marriage thing (keep in mind Ralph and I have been long distance for two years). I was looking for a job during that time, and I couldn’t find one. I didn’t have any money, and I almost didn’t attend school. There were family issues as well. I felt like nothing was going right for me.

I can’t even describe the feeling I had for months. There are no words for what depression does to people. I know I’m not diagnosed by a doctor, but I’m not an idiot, and I’m not writing this opinion to gain attention and for anyone to feel sorry for me. I want everyone to be aware that there are unknown battles that people face every day. I still face those battles.

I know there is a big difference between being sad and depression, and I’ve felt both. I always thought that people could fake depression, but I’m absolutely wrong about that because I didn’t fake this. I wish I did, but I didn’t. Depression is real, and honestly it’s the worse feeling I’ve ever experienced.

No one has any idea what I went through (but now they know since this is going to be public). I have no shame in how I feel some days. But there is a key element to what got me through those tough times…my friends and family. My friends and family who tried to help and understand me got me through the tough times. I was very blessed to find a job, and I’m very blessed now that I’m having “another” opportunity to get married to someone I love.

I didn’t want this opinion to be about me, though. I want everyone to know that depression is real. If a friend is sad, mad, depressed…you still listen to them, because they just want to be heard. They want to know that there is someone in this world they can turn to.

I’m speaking from experience. I may still my days of being depressed, but I try to not let it show, because life is too short. I know many people can’t help it, and that’s OK. I know that people have it worse than I do, and that’s completely fine.

For those who have depression, just know that you live for someone, and you do matter.

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